a story of fear.

Two things:

1) Kari Jobe’s new album is amazing.

2) I have panic disorder.

See what I did there? Sneak attack. Yeah, so a few years ago I was told by a doctor after a rather dramatic trip to the emergency room that I am prone to have panic attacks. It took a panic attack to know that little detail about myself, but it made quite an impact. If you’re unfamiliar with what a panic attack is…basically it has the beginnings of a heart attack. By that, I mean that it involves shortness of breath and chest pain. Sometimes your limbs can go numb. It’s not a pleasant experience.

Why am I posting this on the internet? Not for attention. Certainly not for pity. I’m posting it because God’s put it on my heart. I haven’t had a panic attack in about 2 years, but for the last couple of weeks I’ve been dealing with extreme anxiety which is like a precursor to a panic attack.

Basically, this means that my brain has been working overtime for the last week. I’ve thought about every little thing there is to think about. That’s one of my “triggers”. Overanalyzing and worrying are things that set me on an anxious downfall.

It makes me feel weak.

It makes me feel like I’m not trusting God to hold me up. That’s a worse feeling than a panic attack.

“Jesus, in Your suffering, You were reaching…You thought of me.” [“What Love is This” by Kari Jobe]

He made a way for me to know Him. When I feel anxious, God is the last person on my mind. Anxiety forces you to put your self-interests in the forefront of your mind. I forget that He’s always enough for me. I forget that His love is always enough.

“You take my pain and You lead me to the cross.”

Why is it so hard to give something over to the only one that can truly get rid of it? Shouldn’t that be simple? When I say the words, “God, please take this anxious feeling out of my heart. I don’t want it. I want to trust you”…why don’t I feel a sense of relief? Am I really letting go? Why would I subconsciously want to hold on to that burden?

I’m afraid. Part of panic disorder is that I feel like I’ve lost control of my body and of my emotions. I can’t breathe. Sometimes I can’t move. The thought of giving up control makes me have to catch my breath in fear. I repeat memorized scriptures to help ease my thoughts and gain control of my breathing again. I listen to music like this Kari Jobe song to remind me that He is the God He says He is. It “stills my beating heart”. But because I’m still holding on…there’s always a chance that an attack will happen again. I don’t know how to fully let it go, but believe me…I’m trying.

He made a way for ME to know HIM. He’ll take the burden from my chest. All I have to do is give it to him whole heartedly and trust Him with it.

Why do we do that? Why is it so hard for us to relinquish control? Even over something debilitating?

This is an album where I listen to it and say, “My mom will really like this album.” She always has encouraging things to say. And every song on this album is like that.

-Caitlyn

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3 thoughts on “a story of fear.

  1. Hey, you know where Kari Jobe went to college right?
    Haha, just kidding! (well, not kidding about where she went, she definitely went to DBU)
    But seriously, we’re praying for you! We’re always here for you! Love you!

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